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"Gaslighting" comes from the movie GASLIGHT  where a newlywed woman is driven slowly insane by her husband, in order to gain her inheritance.

I have found a site where one doctor explains, in detail, how a person can be "gaslighted" by  another. 

20 of the telltale signs include: 

1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself.

2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.

3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.

4. You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend, boss.

5. You wonder frequently if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/wife/employee/friend/daughter.

6. You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.

7. You buy clothes for yourself, furnishings for your apartment, or other personal purchases with your partner in mind, thinking about what he would like instead of what would make you feel great.

8. You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.

9. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.

10. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.

11. You start lying to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.

12. You have trouble making simple decisions.

13. You think twice before bringing up certain seemingly innocent topics of conversation.

14. Before your partner comes home, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong that day.

15. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.

16. You start speaking to your husband through his secretary so you don't have to tell him things you're afraid might upset him.

17. You feel as though you can't do anything right.

18. Your kids begin trying to protect you from your partner.

19. You find yourself furious with people you've always gotten along with before.

20. You feel hopeless and joyless.

Robin Stern, Ph.D., has been a therapist for more than twenty years, specializing in issues of emotional abuse and psychological manipulation.

She states:

"I've been a therapist in private practice for the past twenty years, as well as a teacher, leadership coach, consultant, and fellow at the Woodhull Institute for Ethical Leadership, where I help develop and facilitate trainings for women of all ages. In all these domains, I constantly encounter women who are strong, smart, successful. Yet I kept hearing the same story: Somehow, many of these confident, high-achieving women were being caught in demoralizing, destructive, and bewildering relationships. Although the woman's friends and colleagues might have seen her as empowered and capable, she had come to view herself as incompetent - a person who could trust neither her own abilities nor her own perception of the world.

There was something sickeningly familiar about these stories, and gradually I realized that not only was I hearing them professionally but they also mirrored experiences my friends and I had had. In every case, a seemingly powerful woman was involved in a relationship with a lover, spouse, friend, colleague, boss, or family member who caused her to question her own sense of reality and left her feeling anxious, confused, and deeply depressed. These relationships were all the more striking because in other domains the women seemed so strong and together. But there was always that one special person - loved one, boss, or relative - whose approval she kept trying to win, even as his treatment of her went from bad to worse. Finally, I was able to give this painful condition a name: the Gaslight Effect, after the old movie Gaslight."

If anyone reading this is dealing with this situation in your life, I urge you to read more about this, and if possible, seek help to deal with the situation.

Could This Be Me?

 by Teraisa J.  Goldman ©1999 to NOW

 Imagine my surprise--horror, really--to find I have the same type of tendencies as Richard Daniel Starrett (Danny), a serial criminal serving five life sentences or more

Here is a young man, raised in a good home by a traditional moral two parent family. His parents show love in front of the children and have enviable careers. Except for headaches, there is nothing wrong nor unusual about Danny. He is the favorite child of his parents and his siblings.

Yet, a day came when his family got a call they will never forget. Danny was a fugitive and wanted by the police for kidnapping and rape (later they would learn there were several of these crimes committed, as well as murder).

Danny was married and had a daughter. He worked hard and made good money. What went wrong? His subsequent arrest and confession surprised and shocked his entire family. A Stranger In the Family, written by Steven Naifeh and Gregory White Smith (authors of The Mormon Murders *) was not the most memorable book I ever read, but it was the one that most made me identify with the bad guy.

This is scary. Normally, when reading, I may think I am a bit of an oddball simply for enjoying a well written crime book, but to identify with a killer? Oh boy!

Many times, we can place ourselves in the victim's shoes and ask questions--what would I have done? What could have been done differently? But how often do we put ourselves in the criminal's shoes? Rarely, I bet.

You know why? Because to do so would be admitting we could do something heinous like torture or kill. And we would not do that. We could not. Right?

I am not so sure anymore. While I do not think there are many people such as Danny in this world (a possible multiple personality disorder and definitely obsessive compulsive person), I do believe we all have the capability in us to commit serious criminal acts.

Think back to the Donner Party or the doomed soccer players trapped in the snow and wilderness, death staring them in the eyes while the bodies of their dead friends are close by. Death by hunger is eminent and lingering heavily. Nothing could convince me any ONE of these people would have ever thought they could do the unthinkable and eat the flesh of another human (much less a human they knew) a month before it actually happened. But they did, and by doing so, they saved their own lives.

I know under normal circumstances and conditions I would never dine on my friends to save my life, even if they are dead. But those are not ordinary times. Situations develop and happen.

"Teraisa," you say, "you are talking about something different. Those weren't crimes."

True. But they are inconceivable acts.

How about this scenario: A woman kills a man while he rapes her. Or: a stranger enters your house and creeps into your children's room. Startled and alerted to the intrusion, you load your gun...

As you are forced to defend yourself, you can suddenly become a killer. A forgivable one, but a killer nonetheless, by doing the inconceivable.

By using these particular stories of cannibalism and self defense, I am merely showing you it is possible to do the unthinkable.

"To save your life, sure, that's another story altogether," you point out. "It's still not the same."

You are right. It is not the same. We are driven to the same conclusions, though, as the murderer when the situation calls for it and when we can justify it.

This is what makes and keeps us different. We can commit the most inconceivable acts, but only under the right circumstances.

But as I read this book, I found something else that made me like Danny. Danny said he did not want to do these things, he explained that he had to do them. At first, his crimes seem to be an uncontrollable impulse, but later in the book, he lets us in on his other personality. Do not worry, I do not have another being living in me (I doubt Danny does, either), but I do have uncontrollable impulses.

I have to work at all times. If I am at a red light, I sort through my mail. A wait at the doctor's office allows me to balance my checkbook. Forget television, I cannot sit still long enough... unless I am folding laundry or writing a letter, that is. And yes, I am the person you heard about who makes lists of things to do while in the throes of passion.

It drives my family crazy. It drives me crazy. I tried to be different, but learned it was easier to live with it than to fight it.

So, now, I have to wonder, I know I am capable of committing inconceivable acts and I am aware I am obsessive compulsive. Could I have done what Danny did?

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The Author notes:

I would never kill anyone unless in self defense, or in defense of another human being. I believe those that kill for any other reason must have a psychopathic disorder (AKA sociopathic). Psychopaths know right from wrong, but consciously they choose to follow a sinister path. Their crimes are often likened to a sport and decidedly NOT defense. The real difference between he and myself--or you? We are not morally insane.

*This is an excellent book, the information revealed in it caught me by surprise.